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 | Graham Valentine: Goalkeeper
It's as if he has glue on his hands, rumours are that he did in the first game, but since then he's relied on his skills and kept every opposition kicking themselves rather than kicking balls into the back of the net. Despite being bored by RPCCFC's miserly defence he's always there when called into action. |  | Tony Chin: Left Back
Tony's marauding runs have caused numerous problems to opposition defences and his calm persona, accurate touch and attacking vision has been invaluable. The saviour of Smooth FM. |  | Tim Hillman: Centre Back
Tim 'Will Young' Hillman is an integral part of the defensive unit. Not much gets past Tim, miserly in defence, miserly in the pub, loved on the pitch - not so much at the bar! Raynes Park's most solid and consistent defender. |  | Paul Arthur: Central Defender
RPCCFC's immoveable object. Since his drafting in to the team, Arthur has been a sensation. He has it all - the distribution of Ferdinand, the guile of Terry and the shape of Jan Molby. Commanding the defence like Nelson at Trafalgar, or Bush during the war, he has been symonimous with match saving, and match winning performances, leading from the back with a powerful voice and even more powerful swing of the boot. Arthur plays the game like a game of wall ball - the harder they whistle towards Paulo the further they bounce back. RPCCFC's Players player of the season in 2006, and in this scribes opinion, rightly and deservedly so. A colossus. |  | Big Sam O: Right Back/Utility Player
18 feet 4 inches of mighty right back, he'll run the ball from flag to flag, and it's best you stand out the way. If you hear 'Sam's ball' you'd best leave it to him! |  | Phil Trayner: Left Wing
The youngster and Hyperactive Defecit Disorder victim of the squad, Phil has been running the books, the training sessions and the team throughout 2005-07. Mad as a frog in a box with a wasp for company the Trayn keeps the opposition left back wheezing and everyone a little jumpy when it comes to shower time. Choo Choo! |  | Matt Judson: Left Back/Wing
Matty has worked himself into RPCCFC as an early name on the team sheet this season, and offers strong defence at the back and flare and attack up front. Great right foot, even better left foot, he really stands out in the team. He's ginger. |  | Michael Kemsley: Central Midfield
It was in the dusty and desolate plains of Africa that this young cavalier learnt his trade. Tired of street football with small kids, he made his move to the big league with consumate ease. Boots, he would tell you, were things to put car jacks and spare wheels in, not things you put on your feet. You could take the legend out of africa, but you couldn't take africa out of the legend. Like a jack russell snapping at the heels of its new owner, Kemsley hussles, harrasses and hacks his way through central midfield, taking down all those in his wake like a rushing hurricane. Like a violent squirrel after a football shaped nut. RPCCFC's MVP for season after season, a legend. The "real" engine room. |  | David Bromfield: Attacking Midfielder/Striker/Inspirational Leader
Captain and leader of RPCCFC, David is the backbone of the side, and the man with many jobs. From international TV superstar to science teacher, David has somehow spanned several careers simultaneously. Once hero of 'Tomorrow's World, and owner of the world's only zero gravity shinpads, David was also the league's top scorer in 2006. |  | Ed Dark: Striker (allegedly)
As the name suggest, a brethren of "The General". Dark Jnr shares many footballing traits with his older sibling, but crucially possesses one subtle difference. Talent. An old school striker, he prowls the line and hangs on the shoulders of defenders like a slow, knackered parrot would on Long John Silver. Whilst his older sibling got nothing from the gene pool, Dark Jnr gained the brains, flair, looks and personality. A clinical finisher, he can score from anywhere. On and off the field, so the rumors go. He is RPCCFC's transfer window bargain. Like something you could find in Poundland. |  | Tom Gilham: Right Midfield
A Raynes Park native and veteran, this man learnt his trade hustling schoolboys out of their sweets and lunch money in the leafy surrounds of Holland and Dundonald Parks. A sweet striker of the deadball in all areas, he is RPCCFC's special teams player. With a free kick delivery as reliable as Royal Mail or a milkman, Gilham is natural as yoghurt and just as smooth. Renowned for his calm approach to the big games, he also has a mean streak. When the red mist descends, lock up your women and children, and do not step on to the same turf as this genial, yet temperamental young talent.
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Andy Frost: Founder, Leader, Religious Zealot
Frost has done it all, somehow on other peoples dosh. Joining the navy as a small child, he became at one with the sea. After surviving a particularly nasty watery episode involving a Jamaican crab, a beautiful mermaid, a singing fish and the search for nemo, Frost realised his life in the surf needed more. God apparently. Still, off he went in search of the best surf that god could give him, in-between becoming a "local celebrity" and "religious icon" around Raynes Park whilst leading the team to a semblance of glory. A footballing conundrum, Frost seems to have the talent, but does not know how to use it, allowing God to show him the way. A globe-trotting, surf dude with attitude. Whatever next?
|  | Richard Strudwick: Utility Player
Quick as lightning, vocal as a howler monkey, ego like an airport hangar - with this much talent who needs touch or vision on the pitch. Not Rich! |  | Andy Stephens: Central Midfield
The creative force in midfield, Andy is the best natural footballer in the team, and his clever play has set up numerous goals and is the main reason for Dave and Ed looking so fresh at the end of most matches. |  | Mike Ellis: Defender
RPCCFC's Peter Crouch, Mike looks like Carragher, he's as tall as the guy from The Naked Gun, and plays ............ like Noel Edmonds. Well you can't have everything at this level. |  | Ian Lovendahl: Striker
After months of negotiation in the summer of 2005 Ian joined RPCCFC from the mighty Sri Lanka football squad. Rumour has it his demands included a £100k per goal bonus and also a team of security guards, who now accompany him to every game, rather like J-Lo on tour. Ian though genuinely is from the block, and has no rocks to speak of.
|  | Jon Power: Midfield
Midfield Geordie enforcer, and Big Brother voice over guy, we purchased Jon from the Magpies in the summer of 2006 in swap for Titus Bramble - Newcastle were duped! Jon is currently travelling the world as an RPCCFC scout, looking for the next wonder talent.
|  | Oli Dark:THIS PLAYER IS TEMPORARILY OUT OF STOCK Utility Player, Director of Football
From the backstreets, shanty towns and slums of Worcester to world domination - that was the plan. He is the boy who became a man, harnessing lightening quick pace with skills of a russian circus act and a footballing brain so big it needs its own postal code. A midfield dynamo, the man know as "The General". Oli has the skills, passion and ability to crush a team with one single swing of his iron-clad right foot. A king amoungst men, RPCCFC's unique Utility player and organiser extraordinaire, who like a gopher, pops up all over the place.
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